


Reforging the Chain

by Lisalicious



Series: The Stone Emperor and the Forsaken Knight [4]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Emperor Hux, And Lifelong Abuse, Angst, Illness and Injury, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, Mentioned/Feared Stockholm Syndrome, Mistrust of Psychiatrists, Recovery From Mind Control, Referenced Forced Eating, and torture, lots and lots of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-10-14 02:04:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10526598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisalicious/pseuds/Lisalicious
Summary: ...Now he was rotting, confined to some solitary cell, in some psych ward for the criminally insane, his head shorn of the mess that had been his hair and beard, being watched and talked at by a bunch of assholes that refused to call him by his name. They used a name that belonged to the same lonely boy who had played in the Emperor's Palace when it belonged to a senator. A boy who was unloved and abandoned by both parents. A boy who was left with his uncle to try and tame his seething temper and unbelievable Force powers. A boy who, by a former master's standards, was too weak willed to live. The boy died the day Kylo Ren destroyed the temple, and nobody cared to acknowledge that...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is taking so long. RL got in the way. Plus I really want to handle Kylo's recovery properly, so it's going to be a bit longer.
> 
> I suggest reading the other Fics in this series before reading this one.
> 
> I still am not so good at the tagging thing, so if you have any suggestions let me know. Plus I'll add more tags and characters as the fic progresses.

**Day 17** ****

“Ben, please! We need you to eat.”

As always when someone was tried to talk to him, Kylo was lying on the cot provided, facing the wall. He didn't want to look at any of them. The head doctors, the medics, the military personnel, and especially Leia. It was her fault he was stuck in this particular hell hole. She had taken him from his Emperor, his Hux.

They had all tried to tell him that it was the Emperor who offered him as a bargaining chip for Peace, but he refused to believe Hux would sell him like that...even though he clearly did. And Kylo did not that believe he'd been wronged being locked up in the first place, either. He had failed to complete a mission, and failure deserved punishment.

Now he was rotting, confined to some solitary cell, in some psych ward for the criminally insane, his head shorn of the mess that had been his hair and beard, being watched and talked at by a bunch of assholes that refused to call him by his name. They used a name that belonged to the same lonely boy who had played in the Emperor's Palace when it belonged to a senator. A boy who was unloved and abandoned by both parents. A boy who was left with his uncle to try and tame his seething temper and unbelievable Force powers. A boy who, by a former master's standards, was too weak willed to live. The boy died the day Kylo Ren destroyed the temple, and nobody cared to acknowledge that.

“I've told you before, that's not my name. If you want to speak with me, it would do you well to remember that.”

“I’m not here to talk to you about your name. You need to eat.”

“I’d rather you just left me alone.”

“I don’t want to authorize anything extreme if I don’t have to. I know how well you took to the forced feeding the last time.”

He shuddered at the thought of being strapped down, of the feeding tube being forced down his throat.

“I’d rather you didn’t do that either, Leia. Do you delight in torturing me?”

He could almost feel her grimace. If he had his connection to the Force he’d be able to feel the hurt he’d just caused. He heard her turn to leave, but she stopped before she opened the door.

“Would it help if I called you Kylo?” She snapped. Her voice was tight, but he could hear the hint of snark there.

“It might.” He snarked back.

Leia gasped, and Kylo jolted and curled in a bit on himself. They were both horribly reminded of the smuggler at that moment. And what he did to said smuggler. And Kylo couldn’t deal with her anymore.

“You need to leave.” Kylo said, his voice suddenly void of emotion.

She turned, opened her mouth to say something, but left him instead.

**Day 23** ****

Kylo was slow to wake. For some reason he couldn’t quite figure out everything seemed to be pulling him downward, back into the dark, unsettled, disturbed world of sleep he was trying to rouse from. He could feel his body startle as he tried to wake up. He heard himself groan, but couldn’t quite figure out why he would make such a noise. Everything felt so heavy, clumsy, not right. And unnaturally warm and unnaturally cold at the same time.

He shuddered and moaned.

Then he felt a hand. It settled on his forehead for a moment before it moved on, and it gently brushed the damp skin along his hairline.  His thoughts immediately went to Hux.

Kylo scrunched his face and groaned. Why couldn't he pull himself out of his weighted unconscious state?

Then he felt lips press against his forehead.

“It's alright, darling. The fever broke. Just rest, you'll be alright in a few days.”

It wasn’t Hux’s voice. It was his mother’s.

And something deep inside him warmed a bit. He was sick. His mother was caring for him. The warmth he felt was the safety of being cared for by his mother. Something he hadn’t felt for at least 20 years. He stopped fighting to wake, and let the hand smoothing what had grown back of his hair and gently caressing his face lull him back to unconsciousness.

**Day 27** ****

Kylo was in and out of varying degrees of consciousness over the next several days. He wasn’t sure if his mother was there whole time or not, but every time he thought she might be he calmed, and slept easier.

When he finally woke for good, he knew he had been transferred out of the psych ward and into the actual hospital, but why?

Then he tried to move. He groaned. His body ached from disuse and staying in one position for too long...and, also, possibly illness, which made absolutely no sense to him whatsoever. How could he have contracted some form of illness while being stuck in solitary confinement in the asylum for the criminally insane?

He was thirsty, force was he thirsty. He could feel the spot on his inner arm where the intravenous unit was pumping fluids and some form of medicines into his body, but it did nothing to relieve the dryness in his throat.

He looked around the room, noted the machines that were plugged into the IV drip attached to his arm. There was a chair with a blanket draped over it. In the corner was a holoscreen with his patient statistics, but the words were going in and out of focus. There was a door that, most likely, lead to the ‘fresher. Then his eyes landed on a small counter with a sink, basic medical supplies, and a glass with a straw.  

Kylo made to get up from the bed when he realized he was bound to it by binders at his wrists and ankles.  Of course.

He was so dry. He wanted that glass of water so bad. He realized he could call for help, but he refused to accept help from the Resistance scum. His mother had helped comfort him while he was sick...it hadn’t been his choice. If it had been, he wasn’t sure if he would have accepted it or not. He refused to call for help. He just stared at the glass.

And he stared at the glass.

And the glass started to shake.

And that is when he noticed the tingling sensation. It could only be one thing. The Force. It wasn't fully there, a ghost of a touch. Something he might not notice if he hadn't been cut off from it for seven months. He considered reaching for it, pulling at it, seeing just how much connection he really had to it at the moment.

Was it temporary? Was he imagining it?

Then he remembered the pain the dampers caused. But he felt the presence of the Force without the pain tearing through him, so maybe he wouldn't feel it at all.  

This time he purposely concentrated on the glass and tried to pull it to him with the Force.  It shook again...then it began to float precariously. Then the pain hit him. Not as bad as previous, but in his weakened state it was enough to make his vision darken and he lost grasp on the Force.

The cup clattered to the floor.

He squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the caterwauling alarms to sound. For the guards to come and strap him back in the _thing._ But it didn’t happen.

Kylo panted from the exertion. That small push of Force alone took all his energy, but he was overjoyed. The dampers must be failing. If they failed, he would be able to run.

He would be able to go back to Hux.

He clung to that hope for a moment before he realized that it wasn't the dampers failing. Yes, his ankles, wrists, and neck were all bound, but they were not all encircled by the dampening cuffs.

Yes the collar was still in place, but he couldn't feel the cold burn of it against his neck. Like maybe something was dampening the damper. He looked down at his wrists and ankles. Both wrists and one ankle were still bound by the dampers, but the skin the under them was bound in what he assumed was bacta soaked bandages.

The other ankle...was hooked up to some contraption. Something meant to repair and heal.

He vaguely recalled feeling pain in that general area, a dull something that never seemed to go away. The last day he remembers being fully aware of everything he was freezing, certain his captors were starting to mess with his living conditions in order to break him.

At least that’s what he thought at the time.

With seeing the state of his leg hooked up to the medical machinery, and the realization that he missed a number of days, he knew they weren’t trying to break him. He was effectively breaking himself.

He would have rolled onto his side and curled in on himself if his limbs weren’t restrained. He didn’t want to be in that hospital, or back in the ward. He didn’t want to be restrained. He didn’t want the Force dampers. He didn’t want the connection to the Force.   
He wanted water.

And he wanted Hux, but Hux didn’t want him back.  Hux had given him away.

Nobody ever wanted him.

He couldn’t stop the tears as they began to fall. He couldn’t even reach up to brush them off his face.

Then he heard the door slide open. Great! Somebody had caught him in a moment of weakness instead of his normal hostility and indifference. He closed his eyes in defeat and turned his face away from the door.

He heard the gasp, and the footsteps. He heard her pick up the cup and fill it. Then his mother was at his side, brushing hair back from his face and tears from his cheeks.

“Kylo…darling, I brought you water.” He didn’t look at her. He couldn’t. He didn't want kindness from any of them, especially her. “Kylo, please tell me what's wrong. Please, I want to help you.”

“It doesn't matter. He doesn't want me.” He wailed, finally breaking his month long unwillingness to speak with his mother.

“He’s a fool for not seeing what he had in you.”

He turned his head to stare at his mother in frustration. Tears still glazed his face.

“That's rich coming from you.”

She gave him a hard look in return.

“You wouldn’t be here if I didn't want you.”

“What changed?”

That confused Leia.

“I don't understand.”

“You...you never wanted me before. Why now?”

Pain crossed her face at that. That made Kylo more confused and angry.

“You are my son. I have always wanted you.”

“You...that's a lie! You were always gone. And when you were home you were always screaming at him. It felt like I didn't matter...and then...you fucking abandoned me with Luke.”

“Ben…” He hissed with disgust at the use of that name. “I'm sorry, Kylo. When you were born the Galaxy was in turmoil. When I realized that it was Snoke in your mind, I didn’t know what to do. I tried to help you myself, but I didn’t know how to drive him out without seriously hurting you. I never wanted to leave you alone when you were in such agony, but I also didn’t want to interfere with the help Luke could give you.”

“But you…you just left me. I…I only wanted my…mom.”

“But I couldn’t help you. I didn’t want to just leave you, but the Senate called an emergency session. Luke promised me he would help you. He promised he would help you, and that I didn’t need to hover. And I trusted him. I always trusted him, even before I knew he was my brother…but he failed me. He failed you. Kylo…Ben…both of you…I’m so sorry! We all failed you so terribly.”

Kylo was shocked as his mother began to cry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...They didn’t replace the one on his injured ankle, which surprised him. He found the constant slight buzz of the Force both reassuring and terrifying. It was like an annoying, constant beeping after seven months of silence. One moment he wanted it, the next he needed it gone. His Emperor had never given him the permission to remove them. What gave these doctors the right to remove one? Even if it had almost cost him his life? The skin under the other dampers had been salvaged, renewed, reinforced. They were still wrapping the other ankle in bacta soaked bandages, his skin still too fragile for the cuff. (Or so his mother had originally said.)...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter a bit lighter than the first, or at least it felt that way for me. Not that the fic will be continually lighter from here on out...Kylo's been through to much for it to happen so fast. Just a bit of snark and sarcasm between mother and son made this installment feel a bit lighter.
> 
> Also I wanted to say that the mistrust of Psychiatrists is Kylo's, not mine.

**Day 32**

“I don’t understand why you’re insisting that I take them off.” Kylo snorted.

It hadn’t taken long after he woke to be returned to his lockdown ward cell. The medical staff had been a constant flurry of nerves and fear when dealing with him while awake, so, to be honest, it was a relief to go back to the room he resided in for the last month. He wouldn’t miss those doctors and nurses; they trembled every time they came to him for anything. _Like he could have done anything to them with those dampers on._

They didn’t replace the one on his injured ankle, which surprised him. He found the constant slight buzz of the Force both reassuring and terrifying. It was like an annoying, constant beeping after seven months of silence. One moment he wanted it, the next he needed it gone. His Emperor had never given him the permission to remove them. What gave these doctors the right to remove one? Even if it had almost cost him his life? The skin under the other dampers had been salvaged, renewed, reinforced.  They were still wrapping the other ankle in bacta soaked bandages, his skin still too fragile for the cuff. (Or so his mother had originally said.)

Now she was requesting, calmly, that he remove the other dampers. Didn’t she realize what could happen if he agreed? Didn’t she know he might kill them all? Didn’t she know he would leave? Return to the Emperor? Help him destroy what was left of the Resistance?

But wait…Hux had forged peace with the Resistance now, he remembered. Thanks to the Knights of Ren going rogue. He refused to go to Kylo for help, so he went to the next place he could get help from rogue Force users.

Hux had done everything he possibly could to distance himself from Kylo.

And Kylo didn’t know how to handle it, though his instincts were currently telling him to remain loyal.

“He never gave permission for me to remove them,” he finished quietly.

“Even though he used you to buy peace?” Leia replied sharply. “You’re still clinging to your fool hardy loyalty to a man who threw you away, then used you to broker something he needed.”

“I failed him. My punishment was befitting.”

“KYLO! He used you! To become Emperor! When he didn’t need you anymore he threw you away. Acted like you did _him_ wrong, instead of the other way around. He punished you for what he did to you! How can you not see that?”

“He asked me to rid the Galaxy of Snoke and the Jedi. I spared Rey…the Force told me to, but I spared her against his wishes. I failed. I-“

Leia stood up from the chair she normally sat in when she visited Kylo. She walked over to where he sat on the bed. Since their small breakthrough in the hospital he actively talked to his mother whenever she came to see him. He still ignored the head doctors and psychiatrists who talked at him.

He peered up at her and didn’t like the look on her face.

“Fine, if you want to look at it that way, then he gave you to me. To do with as I please. That means he gave up the right to tell you can or cannot take off those dampers. Since you belong to me, I’m telling you; you can take of the dampers. I want you to take off the dampers.”

“You’re not…you’re not my master.”

“Well, he isn’t either. He gave that up the second he gave you to me. And if that doesn’t work for you…then…TAKE THOSE DAMN DAMPERS OFF!”

She smacked the side of his head hard.

“OW! FUCK! MOM! NO! WHY?”

“BECAUSE I’M YOUR MOTHER, AND I SAY SO!”

Kylo couldn’t hold back the snort as he looked up at his mother, the stern look on her face, arms crossed, and the twinkle in her eyes. The snort turned into a giggle. The giggle turned to outright laughing. And Leia joined him heartily.

It felt good. Laughing with his mother.

But it also made him pause. Was this real? This sudden bond he found with his mother? Or was he simply developing capture-bonding syndrome with her.

He could tell she felt the shift in his feelings even without the Force.

“Kylo…I also want you to talk to the doctors.”

“I…don’t.”

“They can help you not have to be stuck in here.”

“I need to be in here. Like I need the dampers on. I’m dangerous. I’ll lose control. I’ll kill everyone and destroy everything.”

“Kylo-“

“The only reason I haven’t been doing anything to anyone recently is because I’ve been locked up. Restrained. Controlled. It’s better if I’m kept here. Where I can’t do any damage. Where I can’t make things worse. Where I can’t fail anyone else.”

“But…it’s no life to be kept in isolation.”

“It’s the only life I deserve.”

Leia eyed him sadly and ran fingers through his short hair. He almost hated that he loved the attention from his mother. He didn’t want to rely only on her. Didn’t want to depend on her and shun or resent any other soul that might help him.

“If you talk to one of the doctors it will help. It will be a start.”

He gave her a rueful look. Of course she would pick up on his worries and thoughts. He inherited his Force sensitivity from her after all.

“I’ll consider it.”

“That’s all I can ask for.” She bent don and kissed his cheek. “I’ll leave you to consider it. I’ll be back tomorrow for lunch.”

He didn’t respond. The thought of not being kept under lock and key and damper did terrify him. The only reason he was in any form of control at the moment was of all the safe holds they had on him. And the thought that his recent closeness with his mother was anything other than the natural bond between mother and son frightened him, too. He needed to know that wasn’t the case.

So he would talk…to one of them. Even if he feared everything around him would explode.

**Day 45**

Kylo eyed the doctor suspiciously from his chair. He was trying, he honestly was, but he didn’t trust any of them. He didn’t feel particularly bad about it. After all, they clearly didn’t trust him either. Why else would he be restrained to his chair?

They’d been sitting in silence, eyeing each other up for the better part of 15 minutes. Neither of them had spoken so far. That's how all his appointments had started.

Guards would escort him from his cell to one of the doctor's offices. Then a guard would secure his wrists and ankles to the chair provided for him. The guards would leave and the doctor would come in 5 minutes later. And they would stare at each other. For 15 minutes. Then the doctor would break out of their fear induced silence, and start a speech about why Kylo was there, about their plan of attack (intensive therapy that usually included a whole slew of medications to control him and possibly other more frowned upon treatments if he wasn’t responding well enough to the rest…like he was supposed to trust that), and end with how _hopeful_ they were that he would return to a normal, functioning adult. THEN they would say, “Ben, how are you feeling today?” Then Kylo would start screaming.  The doctor would panic, and Kylo would be dragged back to his cell.

It had been an almost daily occurrence, and, to be honest, Kylo was sick and tired of it. So before the doctor could open his mouth, he did.

“Doctor Varos, before you break into your speech about why you think we’re here, I have a couple questions.” He purposely kept his voice even, as he didn’t want the guards to come and drag him away before he at least a few answers. He leaned forward to engage in the conversation with the doctor.

“Alright, Ben.” Doctor Varos sounded wary, but willing to at least let him speak first.

Of course, he had no idea just how much he had already offended his patient.

Kylo considered asking his other questions (the one regarding his name had already been answered) but settled back in his chair.

“Never mind. Would you please call the guards? I would like to return to my cell.”

He could tell he surprised the doctor by that.

“I-I don’t understand.”

“You already have your mind made up about who I am, and what you plan to accomplish. You’ve never actually spoken with me before, so how could you possibly know anything about me and what condition I’m in? You don’t. But, as I said, your mind is made up. So our meeting will be nothing but a waste of my time. I can honestly say that I don’t trust you, and I will never trust you, so please call the guards.”

Doctor Varos mumbled a bit before he picked up his comm and called the guards.

**Day 49**

Kylo hadn’t been escorted from his cell to another Psychiatrists office since he met with Doctor Varos. It didn’t bother him in the least. They weren’t willing to help him as he was. They wanted to help Ben and only Ben. They wanted to mold him back into somebody he could never be again. Somebody he never wanted to be again. Never mind getting to the point where Kylo would feel safe giving up the control that he was currently under. He would definitely end up killing one of the doctors if they treated him how they thought they should.

Leia didn’t ask him why he wasn’t meeting with any of the doctors. She didn’t need to.

“I told them their method of thinking on this wouldn’t work with you, but they didn’t listen.” She huffed angrily after she had asked if he’d met with another doctor.

“Why would they assume that the end goal is me being Ben again? That to be a fully functional adult would involve being someone who never managed to make it to adulthood. ” Kylo asked sadly. “How did they even expect to help me?”

“Because, as far as we know, in the past when the Sith turned back to the Light, they became their past Jedi persona again.”

“But I’m not a Sith. I never have been.”

“I know that, Darling. But they can’t comprehend that. They’re doctors, so they are certain they are right.”

Kylo snorted angrily.

“There’s another doctor though,” Leia continued.  “They’re interested in speaking with you. All others on staff refuse, citing your behavior as to volatile.”

“I didn’t even scream at the last guy when he called me Ben.”

Leia tried to hide her smile, and kept her voice even

“Doctor Bolin Solari is willing to meet with you tomorrow.”

“If she calls me Ben I’m not leaving the cell again.”

“As long as you let me know if you’re not feeling well before you go into a coma next time.”

“Yes, mom.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...Kylo watched them both. Officer Endeel looked like he wanted to argue some more, or at least insist that he stay during the session. Doctor Solari looked like she was daring the man to even try to argue.
> 
> “I’ll be outside.”
> 
> “That’s fine. We’re meeting for an hour. I will open the door when we’re done.”
> 
> Kylo sat there as the doctor basically pushed the guard out the door and locked it behind him.
> 
> “If that’s the treatment you’ve been receiving the past few weeks in regard to my colleagues it’s no wonder you’ve been angry.” Doctor Solari strode back past him. She sat down at her desk then gave him an appraising look. “Please feel free to make yourself comfortable. We can even have that chair removed from the room if you like.”
> 
> Kylo blinked at her.
> 
> “You’re really not afraid I might fly into a rage and kill you?” he asked as he stood...

**Day 50**

Kylo felt a stir of dread as he anticipated the cycle was just starting again.

The guards showed up to escort him to yet another office where he’d be strapped to a chair to wait for the doctor. The halls were always deserted when they brought him through, and he wondered if everyone expected his Force powers to explode from him and kill everyone within a 50 foot radius. Or if someone made eye contact with him he’d fly into a rage and start murdering people with his bare hands.

He almost preferred his isolation in his Emperor’s palace to this. There he could believe his treatment was specifically ordered because of his behavior. Here…he’d done nothing to them. He was dampered. He was still severely under weight, and he was always under heavy guard the few times he’d been outside his cell.  Here they feared him solely on hearsay and speculation. He realized a big part of his isolation was because he had been Kylo Ren.

And they wanted to try to integrate him back into this society?

He was about to ask the guards to just turn him around and bring him back to his cell when they arrived at his destination. It was rather out of the way compared to every other office he’d been to which made him raise his eyebrows a bit. And he was utterly surprised when they guided him into the room to see the doctor, a female Togruta, already waiting for him.

He followed the routine of sitting in the chair so the guard with the extra binders could secure him to it when the doctor spoke up.

“That won’t be necessary, Officer Endeel.” She had an even toned voice and the barest hint of a core world accent.

Both Kylo and the guard just blinked at her for a moment.

“I’m sorry?” Endeel finally mumbled.

“It will not be necessary for you to secure my patient to the chair.”

“But…he’s…dangerous.”

Kylo rolled his eyes and almost missed Doctor Solari’s own impatient eye roll.

“He is here for my help, Officer. If I am expected to treat him properly he will need to feel comfortable and to trust me. How do you expect me to gain that trust if I treat him like a criminal?”

“The other doctors-“

“I’m not the other doctors. I do not believe Kylo wants to cause me any harm. It will do him absolutely no good to attack me or you or anyone here. I’m fairly certain he’s too smart to ever dream about attempting it. Also, he’s wearing dampers that block his connection to the Force quite effectively. If I have any trouble with him I will comm you immediately for help. Now please leave, as you are cutting into our session.”

Kylo watched them both. Officer Endeel looked like he wanted to argue some more, or at least insist that he stay during the session. Doctor Solari looked like she was daring the man to even try to argue.

“I’ll be outside.”

“That’s fine. We’re meeting for an hour. I will open the door when we’re done.”

Kylo sat there as the doctor basically pushed the guard out the door and locked it behind him.

“If that’s the treatment you’ve been receiving the past few weeks in regard to my colleagues it’s no wonder you’ve been angry.” Doctor Solari strode back past him. She sat down at her desk then gave him an appraising look. “Please feel free to make yourself comfortable. We can even have that chair removed from the room if you like.”

Kylo blinked at her.

“You’re really not afraid I might fly into a rage and kill you?” he asked as he stood.

“Kylo, how can I ever expect to help you if I don’t believe that we are mutually safe in this situation? Our meeting cannot simply be about me helping you, but you believing and trusting that I can help you. Don’t you agree?”

For a second he wished he had more of his connection to the Force, just so he could tell for sure if she was being honest with him. He couldn’t see any deceit just by looking into her dark blue eyes, but it was possible she was schooling her features to fool him.

He considered what he should do, where he should sit. Should he relax?

He sat back down.

“I don’t deserve to be comfortable,” he declared. “Surely you know the terrible things I’m guilty of.”

“Yes, Kylo, I am quite aware of your past. The administration wouldn’t have allowed me to take your case if I hadn’t fully researched it.”

He wasn’t sure what to do with that information. Doctor Solari had researched his past, which meant she had the same skewed view of his background as the others. Yet she was the only one who even bothered to call him Kylo instead of the other name. And so far she was being direct, and hopefully honest.

“Why aren’t you terrified of me, then?”

“Because I believe there is more to you than the terrifying persona people who had the audacity to call themselves your masters forced you to assume.”

“I…I chose to do those things.”

“Kylo, from what I understand, Supreme Leader Snoke was a constant presence in your mind, manipulating your thoughts since before birth, perhaps. What makes you think anything you did was entirely your choice?”

He suddenly found it hard to breath. He couldn’t answer…it wouldn’t come out. He believed for so long that it was his choice…to gain the control he’d always lacked as a child…but was it?

“You don’t have to answer me at this moment, but I think it would be a good topic for us to explore while we meet, along with many other things.”

There were tears in his eyes as he suddenly felt hopeless.

“Do you really think you can help me?”

“If you allow me to, I know I can.”

**Day 83**

Over a month had passed since Kylo began his sessions with Doctor Solari. He started feeling more comfortable around her, and she slowly gained his confidence. He continued to sit in the chair he would otherwise be cuffed to, still believing that he was unworthy of anything else.

That was until he walked into the Togruta’s office to find his chair gone. He didn’t understand why he felt so betrayed by her. That she would take away something he deserved , he nearly demanded to go back to his cell until the chair was returned. Before he could, the door to the office closed and locked. He was stuck there.

“Why did you take it away?” he asked in a shaking voice.

“Because it’s not necessary for you to continue using the chair,” she replied very directly.

“But I…I don’t deserve…anything better. I’m a terrible person. You know the things I’ve done. The number of people I killed. The places I’ve destroyed. The people I’ve tortured. I don’t deserve comfort and trust and…and fair treatment. I don’t deserve better.”

“Kylo, please sit.” She gestured to the couch along the wall. Kylo stared at her. He could feel himself starting to shake. “Kylo, do you trust that I am only trying to help you? That I have no interest in forcing you to be somebody you no longer are and do not desire to become again?”

He thought about it. She hadn’t pushed him before. She hadn’t forced him to take anything mood altering or controlling, and he was only taking nutritional supplements and a few natural remedies she’d suggested. She was trying to help him, and, so far, on his terms.

“Yes,” he answered quietly. “You have done nothing to convince me otherwise.”

“Your opinion of what you feel you deserve aside, why don’t you agree with the chair being gone?”

Kylo was aware he shook like a leaf as he stood in front of his doctor. He didn’t understand why, but he was suddenly consumed by fear again. Fear that he would do something…desperate. That he would lose control and lash out with the Force.

“Control.” He barked the answer, not trusting his voice to a longer response.

“Whose control?”

“Yours…mine…I...you sh-should have a wa-way to rest-st-strain me if I-I-I lo-o-ose control.” Kylo felt embarrassed because of how difficult he suddenly found it to answer Doctor Solari.

“I see, and do you find it likely that you will lose control?”

“I…” _I’m losing it right now. Can’t you see?_

“If you lost control would I have any hope restraining you?”

He blinked at her. She held his gaze, not wavering like he was. She was calm. She shouldn’t be, not with him visibly unstable in front of her. Not with him fighting for control. He knew if he had full access to his powers there would be no way she could restrain him. Even with the dampers, he had size and strength on his side.

“N-no, you w-wouldn’t.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” She continued to hold his gaze. “So what use is the chair other than an object to intimidate and control you? Make you believe I have a power over you that I do not?”

“E-evveerrrryyone wants t-to cont-t-trol me.”  

“What makes you think that, Kylo?”

“It…it’s all anyone has e-ever done.” Kylo finally broke eye contact with her as he sat on the couch sideways. He pulled his knees to hold on to himself and try to stop his shaking. “My Parents. When they couldn’t figure out how to control my moods and temper and Force outbursts. Dad left and mom sent me to Luke. He tried to control me as well. I was born Dark, born to be like my grandfather, so he tried to control it and force me to be something I never was, never could be. The worse everything got for me the more he…he tried to control me…” Something felt wrong about that. Kylo wasn’t sure what was wrong, but…something…wasn’t ringing true with what he was saying about his uncle to Doctor Solari. “And Snoke…he…he was there the whole time. When he…made me see it was time to end it, to kill all of them, that they were the problem. They were keeping me from realizing my destiny. I went to Snoke…and…everything was worse. I thought he would help, instead he just…he trained me in such a way that I…I became reliant on his control over me. I couldn’t control myself. I needed him to do it. But I failed him on Starkiller. The Scavenger defeated me. And Snoke...he broke me down further. I couldn’t fight it then. He’d been in control for…my whole life. But I started to fight, to block and hide myself in the Force. It helped when Hux and I became involved.”

“And then the Emperor took his control over you.”

It wasn’t a question, which meant she believed it. And Kylo…he was even more confused. If he looked back and thought about what had happened? Yes, it appeared that Hux had only used him to get what he wanted, and, yes, Hux had thrown him away and forgotten him…But…it felt more complicated than just simple control as a means to an end.

What made it worse, what made it seem like an even bigger betrayal to Kylo? It felt real, the feelings, the connection, the love and devotion to each other. Even through the Force, Kylo felt it. At first it hadn’t felt so certain, but then Hux brought him home, asked him to stay. And Kylo felt the connection grow stronger. It didn’t feel like a lie. It never had.

“You seem reluctant to continue, Kylo.”

“It didn’t feel like control…not with Hux. Not until he took my Force away and locked me up.”

“And now?”

“Now, I’m still being controlled. I’m still locked up. I’m still disconnected from the Force.”

“But you don’t have to be.” Kylo looked up at the doctor again, started at her. He felt terrified at what she said. He didn’t respond. “You can be in control of yourself, Kylo. You can sit where you want. You can take the dampers off and fully reconnect to the Force. You can live in your own quarters; sleep in your own bed.”

“But…I…I can’t. I don’t have control. I need the dampers. I need to be kept away from people. I’m not safe. I’m Dark. I will kill everyone!”

“Do you want to kill me?”

“What?”

“Do you look at me and feel the desire to kill me?”

“I…no.”

“What about your mother? Who you felt controlled you and possibly abandoned you when you were a child?”

“No. I couldn’t ever…I don’t…”

“The Emperor?”

“NEVER!”

“The guards?”

“They’re not really-“

“What about Rey? Or Finn? You’ve fought both of them in the past.”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Poe Dameron? The Pilot you tortured. The one who shot the blaster at your head. The one who fired the shot that blew Starkiller base?”

“I…I can’t.”

“The remaining Resistance members? Your mother’s people? Those around the Emperor? His advisors? Those who are responsible for your care after you were arrested?”

“Please! STOP! I don’t know! I could snap! I could kill anyone at anytime! I-“

“Why are you so certain that it will happen?”

“Because…it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s all I ever heard, or thought, or felt…since I was a kid.”

“I understand that, but were they your genuine thoughts and feelings? Or were they things Snoke planted in your mind?”

It terrified him. He didn’t know. That young he had always assumed they were his feelings, but he also knew Snoke had been present since his earliest memories. Had his heritage through the Force been enough to make him Dark? Or had he been predisposed to be either, to use both and be able to answer either call to Light or Dark, but had the choice made for him by the one who took his mind from the earliest chance the monster had?

He had never been able to think about it clearly before, and now with the disconnect to the Force he could see it.

“He…he took my choice.” The words left his mouth like someone else spoke them. “He made sure I would feel this way.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...“I'm afraid.” Kylo hadn't been back to see Doctor Solari since his revelation about Snoke. He stayed in his cell, panicking, certain he was about to feel the tear through his mind. The one that meant he was about to go under. That his mind was about to be ripped from him once again. That what feeble control he had would once again be ripped from him, and he would be doused again in Darkness.
> 
> Then there were the times when the terror in him ebbed away. Those were worse for Kylo than any other. Because he remembered. He remembered how it felt to fall. How amazing the power felt. The undeniably seductive power that was the Dark Side of the Force. And it terrified him worse than anything because…he…wanted…to…fall...

“I'm afraid.”

Kylo hadn't been back to see Doctor Solari since his revelation about Snoke. He stayed in his cell, panicking, certain he was about to feel the tear through his mind. The one that meant he was about to go under. That his mind was about to be ripped from him once again. That what feeble control he had would once again be ripped from him, and he would be doused again in Darkness.

Even with Snoke gone, he had no assurance that it wouldn’t happen. He was certain that the damage was too deep. That he was too far gone. After all, he’d been talked into killing both his father and uncle.

So he curled up on his cot with back to the door and waited for the Darkness to engulf him. When his mother came to visit he made little effort to converse and quickly asked her to leave. He didn’t want her to be present when the inevitable happened. He did not want his mother to die.

Then there were the times when the terror in him ebbed away. Those were worse for Kylo than any other. Because he remembered. He remembered how it felt to fall. How amazing the power felt. The undeniably seductive power that was the Dark Side of the Force. And it terrified him worse than anything because…he…wanted…to…fall. He wanted to give in to the Darkness and revel in it.

If he let himself fall it would mean many things. I would mean he could control the doctor, and force her to report that he was fully recovered. It would mean he could burn this solitary confinement hell to the ground. It would mean he would stop feeling the guilt and the shame and the utter self loathing that came with his past. He wouldn’t feel the guilt of disappointing his mother again.

He could go back and retake his rightful place as Lord of the Knights of Ren. He could bring down the Empire and rule the Galaxy.

He could **HATE** Hux like he knew he should after the way he had been treated.

But…he…he couldn’t. He knew he shouldn’t miss him. He shouldn’t… ** _love_ ** him.

And he couldn’t do that to his mother again. He…he didn’t want to break her heart like that again. He left her. He killed her husband. He killed her brother. He didn’t even want to come back. In the few months he’d been stuck in the ward he wouldn’t say that their relationship was mended. He still argued with her all the time. But…he…he loved…his mother.

He purposely skipped 3 appointments with Doctor Solari. He knew he was hiding from her. He knew she could help. But his desire to fall…to take control of her to use for his need and purpose? He shuddered at the thought. How could he consider doing that to her, knowing it was exactly what had been done to him? He couldn’t face her.

He didn’t see how he could face anyone again. It was better this way because he would keep everyone safer if he didn’t go near them. He would just stay in his cell forever, dampered and useless. It was the perfect plan…sort of.

He should have realized they wouldn’t just leave him.

“You’ve missed our last three sessions,” Doctor Solari stated when she walked into his cell. “I want you to know you are allowed to cancel sessions as you see fit, but I’m thinking this response is avoidance more than needing time to process.”

Kylo laid there curled on his cot. He shrugged his shoulders, but that was his only response.

“Is this reaction something to do with the revelation you made during our last session?”

He listened as she walked further in, and he knew she sat down in the chair his mother usually claimed.

“It…started…then…” Kylo’s voice cracked from disuse. “You should leave. I…I…this…is not working.”

“What makes you think it’s not working?”

“I…I felt like I might be improving. One session…I…I can’t. I know…I…”

“Do you trust me to help you, Kylo?”

He pressed his eyes closed. He could feel his panic rising. But the question was simple, and he wasn’t afraid to answer.

“I do.”

“Alright. Then I am going to sit and wait because I believe you want to continue, but something is holding you back. When you feel calm enough to tell me, you may.”

Kylo sighed. He reached out and ran a finger along an imaginary line on the wall. Maybe it was something there in the Force. He wasn’t sure.

“I’m afraid,” was the first thing he was able to say.

“I see. What are you afraid of, Kylo?”

Everything! “It’s not just…I…I…”

“You’re feeling…ashamed?”

“Disgusted! You need to leave. You shouldn’t want to help me. It will only end…in death…”

“Are you saying you want to kill me, Kylo?”

He growled. How could she sound so calm asking that question?

“NO!” he screamed. “NO I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING KILL YOU! IT’S WORSE!! IT…it…it’s so much worse.”

“Do you still believe I can help you?”

“I don’t…I don’t fucking know. I’m fucking terrified that I will never be strong enough…that this will all be in vain.”

“Yet you said you still trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Then tell me what you think is worse than killing me?”

Kylo rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a moment. Then he swung his feet down to the floor and sat up. He looked Doctor Solari in the eyes, and then looked down at the floor. He steeled his nerves, and looked her in the eyes again.

“The Dark…I want it. I want to fall again. I want the power. I want it to consume me. I want to not feel the guilt. I want to not care!”

“What would it mean? What would happen if you decided to let yourself fall?”

His eyes narrowed. This was the moment of truth with his doctor. She’d stuck with him longer than he ever expected anyone other than his mother. And now, when she heard what he wanted to do. What he desired. What he was ashamed of.

“It would start with you, Doctor. The first thing I would do is take your mind from you. I would come to one of our sessions, and I would leave, and everyone wouldn’t be able to tell any difference. I would slowly bend you to my will. You would be in immense pain, and you would be able to do nothing to stop me. And under my complete control you would report how our therapy sessions are a success. About how ready I am to be released from this place. How I am no longer a threat. As soon as I am settled in my own personal quarters I would return here and kill you and every other doctor who failed me…and I would burn this hell hole to the ground. Destroy this solitary prison. Then as it burned I would seek out my mother’s organization and I wouldn’t hold back. I would destroy them all; leave death and destruction in my wake. And I would revel in it.”

She didn’t flinch.

“Please, continue,” she responded in her same calm demeanor.

So he told her how he would spare one pilot, control them as he would control her. He told her how he would hunt down his former Knights. How he would reclaim his place as their leader. How he would torture every one of them to gain their obedience. How he would kill all of them if necessary for he would tolerate no opposition.

He told her how he would then go to the Emperor, and give him every repayment he deserved, perhaps keeping him alive for a time to simply imprison and torture the man as he had been, for absolutely no reason at all. He would crush the galaxy and sit on the throne that Hux had chosen for himself.

When he finished he shuddered.

“And…you want me to remove the dampers?”

“Kylo, why aren’t you removing your dampers to do any of this?”

He stared at her. He wanted to rage at her, to rush at her and crush her. Why wouldn’t she react in the fear and disgust he expected from her? He wanted to control and eventually kill her if he fell. She should be running from the cell, and having a guard inform him they would no longer be holding sessions together, but she would try to find a doctor that could help him. Kylo didn’t understand.

Then he thought about how he could answer the question she posed to him. He had the whole thing figured out. He knew exactly how every failure he’d come in contact with would pay with their life. He knew he could control the whole situation perfectly, so why wasn’t he?  

“Because if I keep them on, I know I stay in control. I know I won’t fall.”

“But you just said you want to fall.”

“I…”

“You want the power, so why not take it?”

“I don’t…”

“You don’t what, Kylo?” Kylo wavered. He looked away, ashamed. “The last time we met, you told me that Snoke had taken your choice. That he made sure you would always feel that you had to be dark.”

His throat felt uncomfortably tight as he swallowed.

“Yes, that’s true. He…he made me feel like I had no choice but to fall.”

“Then perhaps you’re starting to recognize that you really do have a choice, and that you don’t want the exclusive Dark?”

“But…I can’t just be Light. It doesn’t work. I’m too emotional. I’m too wrong.”

“Are those your feelings? Or Snoke’s?”

“They’re fact.  To be Light, to be a Jedi, you need control over your emotions. You need peace. Yes, Snoke took my choice, but he also destroyed any hope I ever had at being a calm, peaceful Jedi. I’m not Light. I can’t be.”

“But you’re also choosing to turn from the Dark.”

He set his face determinedly and looked back up at Doctor Solari. He nodded.

“The perhaps you need a third choice.”

“There is no third choice.”

“Perhaps it’s time to make one.” Doctor Solari stood up. “I will leave you to dwell on that idea. Our next session is scheduled in 2 days. Are you going to be ready to meet at that time?”

“I…don’t know.”

She nodded. “The guards will come for you. If you’re not ready send them to me with a message.” She walked to the door. “I’ll speak to you in two days, Kylo.”

She didn’t wait for him to respond. She exited his cell.

Kylo was left to his thoughts for the rest of the day since his mother had already visited him that morning. He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t want to be Dark, but when he tried to be Light pull to the Dark was too strong. And when he allowed the Dark to consume him, eventually he would be pulled back towards the Light.

As far as he was taught, there was no middle ground. He knew he couldn’t be one without being tempted by the other, but did he have the temperament to not be Light or Dark, to use the Force in its entirety?

He convinced himself to give it up, that his only choice was to remain dampered for the rest of his life. He couldn’t be trusted with the Force. Snoke proved that over and over again with him.

But as he felt himself drifting off he sat up and reached for the cuff on his ankle. The metal felt sleek and cool. He’d gotten used to the chill burn of the dampers long before he ever left the dungeon on Chandrilla. It sat against his skin for so long, immovable.

It took surprisingly little effort to pull open the clasp and remove it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...He stared at the cuff that he removed from his ankle. The one responsible for the warmth. His attention focused so intently that one would think the answers to his dilemma with the Force might be held within the dampers forged into the cuff.
> 
> He was so lost in his contemplation that he hadn’t felt the shift in the Force. The one that told him someone was there. But his connection to the Force was still extremely limited, so he didn't feel the twinge that announced another Force Sensitive until the door of his cell opened.
> 
> And the visitor wasn't his mother.
> 
> “Rey…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I felt I needed to tweak this chapter a bit. I didn't change the outcome, but I needed Kylo's reaction to change. I felt originally he was to certain and accepting of Rey and the idea of training together. So no major changes, just Kylo doubting things more.

**Day 92: Evening**

Kylo was curled up on his cot trying to fall asleep. But sleep was elusive for him, as it had been the night before. His mind was busy contemplating the possibilities laid before him in the Force. Not just Light. Not just Dark. Both.

He didn’t know how or if he could manage to extend his sensitivity in both directions. He feared it would drive him mad. That it would tear him apart even worse than the torture Snoke put him through. Perhaps exposing himself further to the Force wasn’t the best plan. He was certain he couldn't control himself let alone these crazy new possibilities of the Force.

But he didn’t put the damper back on. The connection had gone from a dull buzzing sensation to a warmth. Pleasant. Like the warmth you felt after a few of your favorite cocktails. Like contentment. Kylo was surprised he could still remember what it felt like to be content. But, then, he knew he felt content with Hux. At least he thought he did.

He sighed.

He stared at the cuff that he removed from his ankle. The one responsible for the warmth. His attention focused so intently that one would think the answers to his dilemma with the Force might be held within the dampers forged into the cuff.

He was so lost in his contemplation that he hadn’t felt the shift in the Force. The one that told him someone was there. But his connection to the Force was still extremely limited, so he didn't feel the twinge that announced another Force Sensitive until the door of his cell opened.

And the visitor wasn't his mother.

“Rey…”

They stared at each other for a long time, taking in what the galaxy had made of them since their last meeting. Kylo knew he still had the physical look and pallor of someone who'd been starved and left for their muscles to atrophy in a dungeon. Rey looked healthier than he remembered, though, at the time, they had been dueling. She had just watched him kill both their masters, and he had just taken one of her arms off at the shoulder.

But there was something about her eyes. As healthy as she looked (new arm and all) there was something missing. As if she was lost.

“I didn’t know you were here,” she said matter of factly. “At least not until a few nights ago.”

“My mother told you?”

“No…I could feel you. It wasn’t very strong…it’s still not, but…Your presence in the Force woke me up.”

He snorted. He found it ironic that his presence would awaken her through the Force once again. Like he had back on Jakku.

“So…why are you here? Now?”

She rushed towards him. Kylo flinched, and he wondered if he should be worried for a moment. Then she sat on the floor, very close to his bed. She hugged her knees and rested her chin on them.

“Why did you spare me?” She looked so small and so curious when she asked. Still lost, as if it didn’t make sense to her why she was still living thanks to the mercy of the man in front of her.

“The Force…it stopped me. Willed me not to kill you. As if…we would need one another eventually.”

She nodded and looked down. He smiled while she either absorbed what he told her, or felt the need to become engrossed in the covering of his cot.

“I’m surprised you have clearance to come here,” Kylo commented as his attention moved from his visitor back to the cuff on his night stand.

“I don’t. But I have the Force so I don’t need it, do I?”

“You might end up in here with me if they catch you.”

“I’m not worried. I almost wonder if I shouldn’t be in here with you, anyways.”

That caused Kylo to raise an eye brow. He rolled onto his back and sat up against the wall.

“Really? I’m just realizing how much Snoke really fucked me up. How I’m basically hopeless when it comes to me finding balance. How I severely want to fall to the Dark and destroy everything, you included. And I’m still in love with Hux. You’ve been helping protect the Galaxy against my former Knights. You seem to have adjusted to the mechanical arm well…I’m almost certain you don’t need to be in here with me.”

“I miss him.”

“Luke? He was your master. I’m sure he taught you more than he was ever able to teach me.”

“He was more than my master, Kylo. He was my father.”

The air seemed to grow colder as she said it. It couldn’t be true, he would have remembered her. His little cousin. She was so strong in the Force she would have trained with them at the temple. He would have mentored her while Luke was on missions and such. She...she would have…

…She did.

Maybe Kylo really was insane. Or maybe having Rey say it out loud removed the memory block put in his mind by Luke when it became inevitable that Kylo would fall to the Dark side. The memories of her came flooding back faster than he believed possible. The little girl he’d thought of as a sister, the one he loved and protected as much as he could, the one that had always given him hope that the Darkness wouldn’t consume him.

“Rey…I…”

“He told me he’d had a vision…of darkness and fire…so he took me away and put a memory block on…everyone, just to keep me safe.  He…he said that when he returned the…the temple was burning, that the other students were either dead or had been turned, and that you…had fallen and destroyed it all.”

“You...my connection with you was the only think keeping me Light at the time…when he took you away and blocked any memory of you…” Rey nodded, understanding. “But he was doing what he thought was right, trying to protect you…”

“When in reality he made the situation worse…”

“He didn’t know. And my fall was unavoidable. Snoke was a terrible influence, one I couldn’t fight. If Luke hadn’t hid you, you may have died along with the others, or I may have brought you down with me. This happened the way the Force meant it to. So what makes you think you should be in here with me?”

Rey looked at him thoughtfully before she climbed onto the bed.  She invaded his personal space (something no one had really done outside of Hux) and curled up beside him. Kylo wanted to run. He didn’t know how to handle someone so close. He rarely even touched his mother, and here was Rey cuddled against his side. Like she had so many times when she was a child just starting her training.

“I should hate you…for falling to the Dark side. For hurting Finn the way you did. For…for killing my father.”

“Understandably so.”

“I don’t. “

“It’s…Rey, you’re of the Light…”

They were quiet for a moment.

“You’re…at a loss of how to handle the Force?”

Kylo glared down at her.

“I’m a danger because of it.”

“Yet…you’ve managed to remove two of the damper cuffs.”

“They took the one, when I was sick. And Doctor Solari…she’s encouraged me…to find another path. One that’s not Light or Dark. The only way I can do that is if I reconnect with the Force.”

“You…you mean you’re not locked into those things? You could remove them at any time?”

“Yes.”

“Then…why keep them on?”

“I told you, Rey. I’m dangerous. I…my Force…wants to fall. If I let myself fully connect to the Force I’m afraid of what will happen, what I might do.”

“But…you must not want that to happen.”

“I…”

“Because if you weren’t making the choice not to, you would have already done it.”

“I only have that control because I don’t have my full connection to the Force.”

“So…I only see one solution to your dilemma.”

“Yeah? And what is that?”

He almost smiled. Their banter felt natural, normal…like they’d fallen into conversations like this so many times before.

“We train together.”

“Rey…” Kylo looked at the wall. He wasn’t about to corrupt her. He couldn’t damage her any more than he already had.

“Father…Luke…after you fell, he started researching the Force, looking for another answer. He knew it wasn’t right, to cut off emotions, to cut off connections to others. He told me he was training me differently. But we only got so far.”

That pulled Kylo’s attention back to her.

“What do you mean, he was training you differently?”

“He was teaching me to use both…to rely on the Light, but to extend and enhance with the Dark. To use the peace and tranquility of the Light, and use it to temper the emotions and passion of the Dark.”

“He…he was teaching you that?”

“He told me he’d made a mistake with you, with Ben, in trying to cut off someone who was born naturally emotional. It took his failure with you to fully realize the way of the Jedi was wrong, and to start looking for a different way. He knew it would be the only way to defeat Snoke, and bring balance back to the Galaxy, and to hopefully save you.”

Kylo wasn’t sure why it hurt, but it did. Why couldn’t Luke have figured that out before he fell, before Snoke destroyed his mind beyond repair? Why did it have to take him falling and destroying everything for his uncle to realize he was wrong?

“This is why you think you should be in here, too? Because you want me to take Luke’s place?”

“Not exactly take his place…but…”

“I can’t train you, Rey. I’m sorry, but I’m Dark…I never learned to master the Light. Snoke made sure I never could.”

“But what if we learn from each other?”

“What? I…I don’t-“

“Like you said, I’m of the Light, but I need to master the Dark…and you are of the Dark, but you need to master the Light.”

Kylo let it sink in for a minute as he watched Rey pull up her knees and hug them again.

“So…I teach you Dark, and you teach me Light. We learn to temper each other?”

“I…I think that’s what I’m saying.”

Kylo bit his lip.

“Do you think it could ever actually work?”

“How will we know unless we try it out?”

He leaned his head back against the wall. It was an option. It might even be a good one, but Kylo wasn’t sure.

“I need to think about it. Bring it up with Doctor Solari. I don’t think it’s a real possibility to train here in the ward, which means I would need clearance to leave the facility.”

Rey nodded. She leaned against him…and Kylo felt oddly comforted. Like something he’d lost long ago had been returned.

**DAY 93**

“I spoke with Rey.” Kylo explained the following day as he sat on the couch he’d decided to claim in her office.

Doctor Solari hadn’t been surprised when Kylo showed up for their regular appointment. But then, Kylo was almost certain she knew his mind better than he knew himself at this point.

“I see,” she responded with an almost knowing look. “How did that go?”

“Well, for starters, I found out she’s my cousin. Apparently Luke was able to Force block everyone’s memory of her. When she told me it…I guess it broke the dam? I thought I was going crazy. One second I had no memory of her as a child, the next…she was my favorite training partner when we were at the academy…” He sighed, recalling more of their shared past. He still couldn’t quite believe he had no memory of her mere hours earlier. “She showed up last night in my cell. We talked a bit about what happened between us…and when I killed Luke and Snoke.”

The Doctor cocked her head in confusion.

“She showed up last night? In your cell? She wasn’t on your guest log. How did she get in?”

“She’s a Force user. We tend to be able to go wherever we want, even when there are door locks. Check the surveillance footage.”

She smiled at him.

“I believe you when you say she was there, Kylo. It just makes me wonder what is keeping you in your cell if you could come and go as freely as you claim.”

“It’s safer for everyone involved in this if I’m locked away…except…”

“Except?”

“Well one of the one of the reasons she came to talk to me…the main reason she came to talk to me…is because she would like us to start training together. If we do, it would have to be outside of the ward. There's not sufficient space to hold training sessions. I don't know that we would ever move on to using lightsabers, but sparing, spirit katas, and battle katas will take more space than what's available in my cell.”

“That's completely understandable. Tell me what you think about the prospect of training with her?”

Kylo chewed on his lip. He still wasn’t sure what to think outside of it would be a complete failure that would result in both of them Dark and destroying everything. But…he knew that it was his also his only hope at gaining any control over the Force.

“I'm not sure it's a good idea. I don't have the control I need to make sure she stays safe. But she told me Luke was training her differently than he ever trained me. To use both sides of the Force. She is inherently Light. I...thanks to Snoke, I will always be inclined to the Dark. The idea would be for us to teach the other from our strengths…and…and hopefully master both sides of the Force.”

“That seems to be a plausible answer to your problem with the Force. Do you agree?”

“I…I don’t know. Possibly? I wasn’t sure what would happen when I pulled off the other ankle damper…but it brought me Rey, and this possibility. Maybe it's the Force leading me in this direction. I felt it stop me from killing her when I killed Snoke and Luke. She felt my presence in the Force once I removed the cuff and followed it to me. I guess it could be that she and I are meant to find the balance in the Force together.”

They were quiet for a while. Kylo was certain that Doctor Solari was allowing him to process what he said more than she needed it herself, though he knew he sounded uncertain with the idea.  Balance…it would be his way out if he could manage it. If he did…if he mastered both sides…if he helped bring peace to the Galaxy for the Emperor…maybe he could return to Hux.

Maybe Hux would finally find him worthy.

“I want to at least try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I headcanon that both Rey and Ben/Kylo would be touchy feely type people who had to ignore this once certain things happened (Rey getting left on Jakku and Kylo falling to the Dark under Snoke's influence). Especially if they were cousins who trained together and loved each other like siblings. Rey being 10 years younger the Ben would probably climb all over him, and snuggle and cuddle when either of them were feeling sad or unsure. (They probably also bickered a bit.) Anyways, it felt right having Rey just automatically move into Kylo's personal space and have a platonic cuddle with her cousin even after all their conflict because she would need the comfort it offered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo submitted to the shackles that went on his wrists and ankles. He knew they were wary of what he might do if he decided to lash out. That was why he had a guard detail of four heavily armed troops escorting him out of the ward to the facility that had been approved for training with Rey.

** Day 103 **

Kylo submitted to the shackles that went on his wrists and ankles. He knew they were wary of what he might do if he decided to lash out. That was why he had a guard detail of four heavily armed troops escorting him out of the ward to the facility that had been approved for training with Rey.

They escorted him into a well fortified building; the kind designed to be a safe bunker that would withstand heavy enemy fire and serve as a strategically smart command center. Alternately it looked like a fortress that any prisoner would never dream of escaping. Kylo understood why they were assigned the space.  They would have privacy, the space would most likely be sound proof, the walls would withstand whatever they threw at it with the Force (except maybe their sabers… not that he would ever be allowed a lightsaber again), and also if Kylo were to lose control and go on killing spree he could be easily subdued (or at least locked in and secured.)

The Knight would have asked questions about what else the building was used for, and how they managed to fashion a gymnasium type room that would be appropriate for Force training into it, but he knew his guards wouldn’t answer him. Like almost every other person he’d come into contact with since he’d been sold to the Resistance they were terrified of him. So they silently marched him into the building and down the dark corridors to a heavy set of doors.  

One of the guards opened and held the door. Then they all stared at each other for a minute when Rey walked out of the door and looked at them all.

“If you’ll just remove his binders, we’ll get started, and you’ll be able to collect him in four hours,” Rey said to the guards all business.

“But,” the guard holding the door started. “Captain Skywalker, this man is dangerous. We would feel better if-“

Rey put her hands on her hips and glared at the guard addressing her.

“Stop, I am aware of who he is, and as we both have the desire for Kylo to become strong enough and well enough for him to help our organization, we need to have the freedom to do so. So please, stop wasting our time!”

Kylo did his best to school his features because if Rey looked at him he didn’t want her to see the uncertainty he felt. He did want to recover and be stronger, but for the Emperor and not the Resistance. He wouldn’t be there if he didn’t think getting himself under control would result in him proving himself to Hux. He missed the man so terribly, and he still felt he deserved what had been done to him. To the point that he might have considered killing Rey once he felt they had accomplished enough in their joint training.

Or he would have if the Emperor hadn’t signed a peace treaty with the Resistance thanks to the rogue Knights of Ren.

And when he looked at Rey again, he knew he wouldn’t ever be able to actually be able to hurt her. Not anymore.

He held his hands out for the guard to remove his wrist shackles as another knelt down to remove his ankle shackles, and he followed Rey into the...

It was like a Jedi training grotto.

“I made sure they were able to set this place up with atmospheric controls for different types of weather, as well as topography controls so we can change the terrain for whatever suits us. There’s a number of old texts that Father discovered as well as a peaceful meditation area. And, of course there’s plenty of space for sparing, and moving through our different katas.”

Kylo looked around the room in awe. It was perfect for training… the kind of space he would expect of the Jedi temples of old, like the ones destroyed by their grandfather on Coruscant.

“How did the Resistance come up with the funding for this type of facility?” he asked astonished.

“This base is actually an abandoned First Order facility.”

“So this is a Stormtrooper Training Room?”

“That’s what Finn said when it was discovered. We just had to adjust a few of the settings and reprogram some of the areas for our needs.”

“I’m impressed. To take over a facility like this, all you would need are power sources to run the generators.”

“Exactly!”

He could feel her pride at the group’s resourcefulness. And it really did surprise him that Hux never thought to look at the Order’s old facilities.

“Were you here before…?”

“We settled here just after, so we’ve been here a little over a year. I’m not sure if this will be a permanent home base for the Resistance, but it’s looking like a possibility with the peace treaty with the Empire.”

Kylo nodded. He let himself feel hopeful for one of the first times before he’d been imprisoned and marveled at how a year had passed since it happened.

“So where do we start?” he asked almost enthusiastically.

“If you agree I thought we might start with joint meditation to get used to each other more fully through the Force.”

Kylo felt his hope drop.

** Day 107 **

Kylo was being escorted to the Force Training Facility wondering if he would get time to run, or strength train, or do some katas, or something before Rey showed up. They had met for the 4 previous days, and every day they spent the whole 4 hours meditating, or researching… and Kylo was ready to start throwing things with his limited Force powers. Meditation had never been his forte, he just didn’t have the peaceful state of mind that would allow him to become one with the Force.

And he knew she could feel it, he knew she was in tune with his unease and disquiet, but instead of giving him a break from meditation she reached out and tried to guild him into the calm… just like Luke had, as well as countless other Jedi students who trained alongside him. It was a losing fight, and he even tried to convince Rey. She was certain it was attainable if he tried.

Part of him was irritated that he was still unable to accomplish this simple exercise. It was normal practice for both Lightside and Darkside users, so why was it so terribly difficult for him? Rey could accomplish the connection and the peace within minutes. Kylo wanted to scream ‘Peace is a lie!’ at her and destroy things with his lightsaber.

He hoped that maybe if he worked himself hard enough beforehand that he would be too exhausted to mind having to sit for four hours. Maybe he would even be able to drift off to sleep without Rey noticing.

But when he walked in Rey was waiting for him.

“I felt you wanted to come early, so I thought I would meet you here,” she said, her voice rather cheerful. “Are you ready for meditation?”

“Rey… it’s not that don’t appreciate the help you are willing to give me help, but… I… Isn’t there anything else you would be willing to work on with me?”

“To master the Lightside of the Force one must be able to connect to it and find peace. Surely you knew that training under Master Luke.”

“Knowing what’s expected of you and being able to do it are two very different things!”

“Well how did you accomplish it when you were younger?

“I didn’t. I still can’t.”

“But if you would just let me help you calm your mind…”

“IT DOESN’T WORK!” As Kylo screamed the words a few of the lights shattered. The burst of Force was unexpected but not surprising, the Force always poured from him when his emotions were at their peak. Then, thanks to the dampers, and a wave of flesh tearing pain burst through him and nearly sent him to his knees. “WE TRIED! BUT SNOKE WAS SO FAR IN MY MIND THAT IT NEVER WORKED!!”

“BUT HE’S DEAD, KYLO! HE SHOULDN’T BE DISRUPTING YOUR ABILITY TO FIND PEACE IN THE FORCE ANYMORE!”

“I DON’T HAVE THE ABILITY OR CAPACITY TO BE STILL AND BE AT PEACE!! TOO MUCH HAS HAPPENED TO ME TO EVER ACHIEVE IT, SO FUCKING STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME!!”

“But, Kylo…”

“You go ahead and meditate, I’m going to go do something that will help me feel at one with the Force!”

With those words Kylo stormed over to the sparring area and slowly pulled out a combat dummy using his limited Force connection. The outburst help ground him, but he still seethed as he began punching, jabbing, and kicking it as hard and fast as he could muster.

** Day 110 **

Rey tried to talk Kylo into attempting meditation again and again, not knowing what other direction to go in regards to showing him how to master the Light. Kylo felt like he was ten all over again, and it was even more frustrating now than it had been then. He was old enough that he should have a handle at feeling peaceful, but if he was honest with himself the only times he had ever felt at peace was when he was with the Emperor.

Of course now he started to realize that maybe the feeling of peace he associated with Hux was a lie. They had been working towards a common goal, and under the then General’s care and urging Kylo finally started to blossom into something greater than the failure in the Force his other masters made him out to be.

“He never thought you were a failure,” Rey’s voice drifted over to him.

His head sapped up and his eyes locked on his cousin. He was trying to meditate again and had gotten lost thinking of a time when he actually felt at peace with anything. He hadn’t realized that his thoughts weren’t specifically privy to himself until Rey spoke.

When Kylo didn’t respond to her she spoke again.

“Father… he didn’t think you were a failure. He said if anyone was the failure, it was him.”

“I don’t…”

“He couldn’t help you, even though he tried everything his masters said to do. He knew you were struggling, but he couldn’t sense just how deeply the Dark had been engrained into you...”

He wasn’t sure what to do with that information, so he chose to ignore it for the time being and mull it over when he was back in his cell or in session with Doctor Solari.

“So… if that’s true, what makes you think I could start how you started with my years and years of attempting?”

She looked so small and unsure of herself when she answered him, and it reminded Kylo of just how much younger and inexperienced she was than him.

“I don’t know how else to approach it. That’s why I’ve been researching in his books; to see if there’s a way to help you find your peace with the Force without having to drastically change who you otherwise are.”

He nodded, appreciating the fact that Rey had no intentions of making him cut himself off from his loud and wild feelings just to be able to connect to the Light. He knew he could access the Light, it was within hand’s reach if he could just get past the barrier, and it always called to him when he tried to be exclusively Dark. So why couldn’t he calm his mind and connect to it?

** Day 110: Evening **

“How have your training sessions with Rey been going?” his mother asked.

Leia had shown up after Kylo returned to his cell while he was in the sonic ‘fresher. Since the outburst when he accidently caused the lights to explode with an unrestrained surge of the Force, Kylo decided that every time he felt frustrated or annoyed he would immediately go over to the sparring space and take it out on the training dummies and droids. It seemed to happen quite frequently throughout their four hour training sessions, so when he returned to his cell he would strip out of his disgusting, sweaty clothes and walk straight into the ‘fresher.

He didn’t know if he had the patience to deal with his mother after another session of failures, but she brought dinner with her so he decided to give it a shot. (The food his mother brought him was always far better than anything brought by the ward’s personnel, and she always brought enough food for him to actually feel full.)

Kylo took another bite of the roast to give him a moment to ponder his answer. He knew he couldn’t lie to her, even if she wasn’t Force sensitive, he was pretty sure his mother would always be able to tell if he was lying to her. But he wondered if he should tell her the whole truth or if he could pass it off with partial truth.

“I… I can’t meditate,” he sighed after he swallowed. He started to push around his vegetables. “I don’t have the capacity to harness peace and become one with the Force. And as of right now that’s all Rey can figure out for us to do…”

Leia snorted. “I can’t say I’ve ever been good at meditation.”

“But you’ve communed with Luke when you’re on different worlds.”

“He’s also my brother, and I was always able to connect with him easily. It’s not the same thing as meditation. Meditation takes a calm mind, I’ve always been fiery, I’ve always been go, go, go! Princess, Senator, General…my life never seems to slow down, so neither does my brain. I’m lucky if I’m ever able to sleep.”

“But you’re Light… how do you…”

“I never really trained with Luke. He helped me hone a few skills, but your father and I were already talking about getting married. And I was devoted to building a new government for the Galaxy once we brought down the Empire. I wasn’t about to go off and train to be something I wasn’t prepared to be.”

“You didn’t answer my question…”

“I had seen what your grandfather had done using the power of the Darkside. I was tortured by him. It took determination and strength and a lot of conversations with Luke, but every time I thought I felt a pull I thought back to what he did and how I didn’t ever want to become my father.”

“Okay, I understand not wanting that, but… if you weren’t interested in being a Jedi, why did you make me?”

Leia sighed heavily and set down her fork.

“I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t push Snoke out of your mind, and I worried if I tried it would do more damage than good. Luke promised he could help, and I intended to stay for a few days at the least when I was summoned by the Republic. It was urgent… I didn’t want to leave you.”

“Then why did you? I didn’t want to be there! I wanted to be with you or dad; not stuck at some Jedi Academy with strangers and a weird uncle while being constantly reminded how nobody wanted me and how I was a failure who couldn’t control myself and how I it was my destiny to embrace the Dark and how everyone was talking behind my back and how I didn’t know if anything I was thinking was actually my own thoughts or not… Why couldn’t I have been as important to you as saving the Galaxy or to dad as his racing teams and smuggling?... Why didn’t you want me?”

“I did, Ben, I wanted you then… and I want you now, Kylo, but I couldn’t keep you safe so I… I left you with somebody I had faith who could.”

“Well, he wasn’t able to... Snoke was already too deep. And Ben… was ruined by him…”

They sat in silence for a few minutes; both had lost their appetites thanks to the conversation.

Then…

“I might have an idea,” Leia started as she set down her fork, “for your meditation. I’ll have to consider it, and see if we can get clearance for it, but… it might work.”

“Are you going to tell me what _it_ is?”

“For now it is better if you don’t know. Like I said, we’ll have to get clearance for it, and while I’m the General, I have very stubborn subordinates.”

Kylo shrugged. Another Skywalker/Solo plan that was better kept secret…great…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo doesn't have the temperament for peaceful meditation. And I don't believe for one second that Leia had the ability to quiet her mind to meditate either. Kylo got a lot of his temperament from his mother, so I had them share this. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was already out the door, not wanting to hear another argument from his cousin at the moment. He marched through the halls of their training facility, and out onto the paths between the buildings. He headed directly for the Psychiatric facility he hated calling home, but he still didn’t feel like he deserved any better. However, in training with Rey, he’d gotten the taste of being out of those same four walls, and he found he wanted to have some freedoms. Such as being able to go to and from his appointments with Doctor Solari or training sessions with Rey without a guard detail…
> 
> Kylo’s eyes widened. That was why Rey tried to stop him; his guard detail had been dismissed for four hours, and he had been in the training facility with his cousin for all of thirty minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some violence, some discrimination against Kylo, and Kylo recalling his treatment in the dungeons of the Emperor's palace.

** Day 115 **

“Rey, no offense, but you’re not a Jedi Master,” Kylo said disdainfully. “You’re not a master anything! I think you should stop trying to lead and direct these training sessions.”

The training sessions hadn’t progressed to anything beyond what they already were. Rey was trying to lead and direct, and slowly Kylo found himself feeling more and more mutinous by the moment. It wasn’t what they had agreed to, it wasn’t helping him in the least, and he was ready to call an end to the whole arrangement.

“I don’t hear you coming up with better ideas!” Rey snapped back at him. “At least I’m trying to move us forward.”

“Rey… you can’t possibly understand what it was like for me trying to train to be a Jedi with Snoke in my head. Luke’s methods never worked for me, and you trying to force me through them again is not effective in any way.”

“What do you want me to do? All you do is sit around and brood or go over to the sparring area and take out your frustrations on things.”

“Because we aren’t doing **ANYTHING**! We’re sitting there meditating when I can’t quiet my mind or my connection to the Force to accomplish anything. We’re sitting there and I do nothing but get frustrated while you become at one with the Force.”

“Hard for me to feel at one with the Force when you’re sitting there emoting frustration so loudly anyone could hear you!”

“Then why are you still trying to get me to do it? I’ve told you time and again, I CAN’T! Yet you stubbornly insist that I must be able to since I can still feel the Lightside of the Force.”

“Your mother is connected to the Lightside of the Force-…”

“And she can’t meditate either. I had this conversation with her, Rey.”

“Then I don’t know what to do. I can’t lead you if we can’t find collective peace.”

“Rey… I don’t want you to lead me. I am not your apprentice, and if that is what you thought this arrangement is about… then it’s not going to work.”

“What is it about then?”

“Us helping each other learn, so we can both master the Force… we work together, not… I’m not entering any master/apprentice relationship again.  Each one I was in ended worse than the last. You can help me, but I will not allow you to lead me, and I will not lead you.”

Kylo turned and started towards the door.

“Kylo, where are you going?”

“I think we both need a break. I’ll send word with my mother when I’m ready to try again.”

“But, Kylo, wait! WAIT!”

He was already out the door, not wanting to hear another argument from his cousin at the moment. He marched through the halls of their training facility, and out onto the paths between the buildings. He headed directly for the Psychiatric facility he hated calling home, but he still didn’t feel like he deserved any better. However, in training with Rey, he’d gotten the taste of being out of those same four walls, and he found he wanted to have some freedoms. Such as being able to go to and from his appointments with Doctor Solari or training sessions with Rey without a guard detail…

Kylo’s eyes widened. That was why Rey tried to stop him; his guard detail had been dismissed for four hours, and he had been in the training facility with his cousin for all of thirty minutes. Now he was out in the open, unshackled and unguarded, and he only wanted to go back to his cell. He froze and considered which would be the best course of action for him; should he go back to Rey and insist she escort him back to his cell, or continue on his way and hope he make is back to his cell without being intercepted.

But he waited one second too long before he decided to go back to Rey, and he heard someone shout.

“HE’S MADE A BREAK FOR IT! COMM THE GENERAL AND SOMEBODY GO CHECK ON CAPTAIN SKYWALKER! BE CAREFUL! WE DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH ACCESS TO THE FORCE HE HAS AT THE MOMENT!!”

Kylo swallowed and held his hands up. He tried not to flash back to when the guards at the palace would descend upon him and what that meant for him. He tried to choose his words carefully though he knew they wouldn’t listen to him.

“Please! I just had a disagreement with Rey, and decided to go back to my cell. Please, that’s all I want to do right now. I… I just forgot that my guard detail wasn’t present to escort me back.”

But they were coming towards him slowly with their blasters drawn as if they were expecting him to attack. And Kylo had no desire to do anything to them. He really did want to go back to his cell.

“Like we’d ever believe that,” one of the guards or soldiers sneered as he came to a stop in front of him. “You may have your mother and even your head doctor convinced, but we know who you are and what you’ve done… who you’ve killed. We’re not dumb enough to ever believe you aren’t still serving Snoke.”

“Snoke is dead… And I don’t… I’m not. I just… I’m not armed! Please, just take me back to my cell!”

He barely sensed it before the blow hit him in the back of the head, and he was down and they were swarming him. Kylo curled up and did his best to protect his head as blasters and fists and feet seemed to rain down on him.

The last thing he knew was somebody yelling, “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? STOP! GET OFF HIM!”

Then a blow connected with his head again, and everything went black.

** Day 116: Early Morning **

He hurt everywhere. He hadn’t felt this miserable in months, since the last time he had been punished while he resided in the dungeon under the palace on Chandrilla. At least the ache in his stomach wasn’t related to hunger, though he wasn’t actually sure if that was a good thing or not. On one hand he knew he was being reasonably well fed; on the other, he knew he had to have been kicked a fair number of times to be feeling that much pain.

He groaned loudly.

Then he heard his mother yelling.

“DO YOU SEE THE STATE HE IS IN? I SAW THE FOOTAGE, COMMANDER! YOUR MEN WERE NOT PROVOKED!”

“General, with all due respect, he was found outside without a guard detail. For all they knew he was trying to escape.”

“HE WAS WALKING TOWARDS THE PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY! HE WAS GOING BACK TO HIS CELL! YOUR MEN ASSULTED HIM, HE WAS UNARMED!”

“HE HAS THE FORCE! MY MEN HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE MIGHT DO IF HE WEREN’T SUBDUED!”

“HE IS DAMPERED! HE HAS LIMITED CONNECTION WITH THE FORCE! HE WAS NO THREAT!”

“LOOK WHO HE IS! WHAT HE DID! MY MEN MADE A SNAP DECISION BECAUSE HE CAN’T BE TRUSTED!”

He heard Leia huff exasperatedly, and he could just imagine her crossing her arms and staring down whatever commander she was talking to.

“He is my son, Commander! And if that is not enough for you then please consider this when you take his trustworthiness into question. Those Dampers he is wearing. He could take them off any time he wanted to, but he doesn’t. Now, the ones that attacked him have been dishonorably discharged and taken into custody. I will leave it up to Kylo to decide if they should be charged with maltreatment of a patient or not.”

Kylo smiled to himself as the commander sputtered at her, but even doing that hurt. He groaned again and tried to roll on his side so he could curl up only to find he was cuffed to the hospital bed again.

He heard Leia huff impatiently.

“I insist you remove his cuffs at once!” she barked. “It was supposed to be done before he woke!”

“General, please be reasonable.”

“You realize we could just remove them with the Force,” Rey hissed. He hadn’t even noticed her there. “We’re letting you do it as a courtesy and formality. A start to correcting the error your men made by attacking him.”

“I would just do it, Commander,” he finally joined in, and oh his voice sounded terrible. He wondered if one of the men had stomped on his neck. “I’ve learned that it doesn’t work to argue with my mother, and Rey is turning out to be quite a bit like her.” The Commander gave him an utterly mistrustful look. “Just what do you expect me to do? Your guards did a thorough job at beating me, and I’m still wearing three Force dampers that feel like burning ice fire when I actively try to use the Force. I’m sure both Rey and my mother could take me if I tried anything.”

The Commander gave the three of them dirty looks, but then moved forward and removed Kylo’s binders; he clearly thought the whole situation was some kind of conspiracy.

They all stayed quiet until the Commander left, taking the binders with him.

“It will take time, but people are going to start trusting you, Kylo,” Leia reassured him even though she still glared out the door after the Commander.

“I wouldn’t trust me...” he responded as he worked on swinging his feet over the edge of the bed, and OH, everything _HURT_. “Fucking hells!” It took a couple tries to stand up, but damn it he had to piss. Then his mother and Rey rushed towards him and tried to help him up, and he waved them off. “Let me…”

“Kylo, you can barely stand,” Rey sounded as if she was also hurt.

“It’s not the first time I’ve had to take a piss in this condition, and I’ve been in worse pain than this and still made it to the ‘fresher ‘cause I sure as hells wasn’t going to piss myself wherever they left me.”

He did his best to ignore the horrified looks on their faces as he hobbled over through the door to the ‘fresher and closed it. At least his mother had to know or have an inkling of what he’d been through, and Rey had been reading his mind while they were trying to meditate together. They had to know he was beaten at least weekly, tortured for losing his temper, only fed when his behavior merited food, left to suffer his pain and take care of himself...

Kylo shuddered remembering his treatment there; it really had been a horror compared to anything he’d been through here outside of the incident that had landed him in the medical bay. They treated him well, and once they found a proper psychiatrist, he started making progress. He was being treated well despite his attitude and self punishment. He fell ill, and they healed him. He was beaten by guards, and now he was in medical to be properly treated…

For the first time it hit him that maybe… maybe Hux really did throw him away. But then his heart argued that Hux had no idea that he was being treated that way, and that if he had known things would have been better.

But, then why did he not keep Kylo? Why did he sell him to his mother instead?

It hurt to bend forward to wash his hands in the standard height bathroom sink, and it almost hurt just as much looking at himself in the mirror. He knew he was starving when they brought him here, that they had chopped off all his overgrown hair, that they kept him reasonably clean shaven and his hair reasonably short, that he’d put back on some weight, and that he’d been beaten within the last 24 hours. But he barely recognized anything about himself…he wondered if he would ever recognize himself again…

He limped back out to the hospital bed and groaned and grunted as he sat down. Then he looked around the room to see his mother had gone, but Rey was still there.

“Where did she go?”

“Aunt Leia went to find Doctor Kalonia because she’ll want to examine you now that you’re awake. “

“Okay…you know, I’m actually a little surprised I’m not in a bacta tank.”

“Well, they wanted to, but…”

“But what?”

“I want us to try something else first. Since I’m supposed to be helping you master the Lightside of the Force, I want us to attempt to Force Heal you.”

“Rey, that’s kind of a tall order for us, especially with my lack of ability at the moment.”

“So we’ll take another damper off…”

“But…I haven’t even accomplished…”

“Something you were never good at. And I have complete faith in you. We can do this, Kylo!”

Kylo wasn’t sure about Rey’s optimism on this. Force Healing was complicated, and he could not rely on his connection with the Dark to accomplish it. He knew that healing using the Dark would not be binding and would require harm to others to channel the power to do it in the first place. He would need to rely purely on the Light.

It would be a huge step in the right direction if it actually worked.

He looked at Rey, held her gaze, and nodded.

What’s the worst that could happen?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t focus on them,” Rey said calmly. “Focus on me and the Force and we will do this together.”
> 
> He took a deep breath. “Alright…”
> 
> And they reached for each other in the Force before reaching inside him. Then they tried to reach through the pain, but the pain only built higher and higher until Kylo felt he was burning alive. And he screamed in pain and terror as he suddenly realized Rey’s eyes were glowing yellow and red.

** Night 123 **

“Alright, relax…reach out to the Force with your mind…then reach inside… reach through the pain…use the Force touch to mend the bones…and the flesh…renew!”

Doctor Kalonia and his mother had insisted on being present; the doctor so she could make sure Kylo didn’t end up hurt worse than he already was, and Leia because she was curious and she wanted to show them she believed they could do it as well. Their presence was both reassuring and put Kylo on edge.

“Don’t focus on them,” Rey said calmly. “Focus on me and the Force and we will do this together.”

He took a deep breath. “Alright…”

And they reached for each other in the Force before reaching inside him. Then they tried to reach through the pain, but the pain only built higher and higher until Kylo felt he was burning alive. And he screamed in pain and terror as he suddenly realized Rey’s eyes were glowing yellow and red. Then he heard the voice echoing in his head, the one he hadn’t heard in over a year, the one that had stolen any free thought he’d ever had… Snoke.

And he could barely fight because of the pain that he now realized was being caused by Rey.

But when Snoke spoke he knew it wasn’t directly to him because he and Rey were connected.

“Yes! Good! He is losing his will to fight you because he knows he can never win against you. Once he does you can do with him as you please…bend his pathetic will to do your bidding, have him destroy the Resistance and kill Leia Organa, or you can simply kill him as I urged you to on Starkiller and as repayment for the arm he took. It is up to you, my apprentice…”

“Rey…” he gasped in return. “Rey, please… fight him… you’re good…”

“That’s right, Kylo," her voice echoed through the entire room, and he wasn't sure if it was real or if it was only caused by her being so deep into his mind. "You will tell them I’m good. You will make them believe I have guided you back to the Light, and then you will help me kill them all, ending with your mother and your precious emperor.”

“No… MOTHER!!”

“She can’t help you. Nobody can. She wouldn’t anyways, she will abandon you again, just like before, and everyone will turn their back on you so the only choice you have is to join me or die.”

“No!” The pain increased exponentially, and he screamed. “NO! REY, PLEASE!!”

“Please what?”

“PLEASE… STOP...”

“You know what you have to do in order for me to stop, Kylo. What’s your choice?”

“I…”

And that’s when Kylo sat up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath, heart pounding and utterly terrified. He relived the experience in his dreams every night since they decided to try the Force Healing, or at least the gross bastardization that his brain presented him within his nightmares.  

The actual Force healing had sort of worked. Some of the pain had been alleviated, and some of the wounds had healed, but Kylo felt slightly overwhelmed and the pain was still palpable and he just couldn’t concentrate on the Light for that long of a period. But they had accomplished something together using the Light side of the Force which up until that point had not happened. And Kylo didn’t feel the need to burn off his anger in some form of destruction, so they it was definitely a win for them.

He looked around in the low light trying to get his heart to slow and his breathing back under control. He knew Rey wasn’t Dark, and he knew she wasn’t being controlled by Snoke, or worse, following him willingly. Snoke was dead; he had definitely felt his presence in the Force and in his mind disappear. But it felt…so…

It wasn’t real; Rey had no desire to actually control him as Snoke had. They were working together on an even level, they were not fighting for dominance, not trying to be the Master and force the other to be the Apprentice. They were Kylo and Rey, Force users, learning together. They were on an even playing field. He had nothing to worry about. She wasn’t going to use him like the others had.

He had one more day before Kalonia said he could return to his training, so he hoped his mind would stop producing these terrifying images in the next 30 hours.

** Day 125 **

He felt on edge as the guard walked him to the training facility.

Because Leia had had it out with the Commander in charge of his normal guard detail there had been a considerable step back. The man escorting him still seemed weary, but he had refrained from the shackles and made it clear he had a gun if Kylo wanted to try anything. Kylo indicated that he understood, and they walked along in a strained silence. There seemed to be something in the very air, something that was causing the Force around him to tremble, and even with his limited connection he knew to feel wary of it. He wondered if the guard could feel it, and if that was the only reason the man felt wary, or if it was simply because it was him he was guarding.

The guard left him at the door of the training facility with the words, “I trust you’re able to find your way to the room without my help.”

“Yes, thank you,” Kylo replied. “I’ll meet you here when…”

But the guard had already walked away, not waiting to confirm whether he would be there to escort him back to his cell or not. He sighed and let the door shut behind him.

He could feel is dread growing with each step he took. He knew something was definitely off for the Force to feel as wavering as it did at the moment. Maybe it was his own apprehension of returning to train after the nightmares he’d been having involving Rey and the Force Healing. Maybe Rey was planning on asking to try something that she was nervous about and it was effecting the Force around the whole base. Maybe something far worse was on the cusp of happening and his dreams and the wavering in the Force were warnings of what was to come.

He almost turned around thinking if he walked back to the Psychological Facility and straight to Doctor Solari’s office to have an impromptu session regarding the nightmares and the waver in the Force. But what would she be able to tell him? That it was just a fear of making progress because he’d become too comfortable living in his own form of exile. That his fear was manifesting because he expected something terrible to happen again. That he fears he will be forced to serve a master that he never wanted (specifically Snoke and Luke, he willingly served Hux.)

Maybe those things were the problem. Maybe it was his fear of somebody breaking him again, and the fear of what his recovery might really mean. And if he admitted them now, he could calm down and be able to face the training session he was about to walk into.

He took a deep steadying breath before he opened the door to the training grotto. He could feel the strange tension in Rey as he walked through the door, and he did his best to convince himself that it was because they had a nine day break while he recovered. She was pacing over by the meditation area and looked over when he walked in. She gave him a fleeting smile, one Kylo didn’t need the Force to tell it was meant to reassure herself just as much as it was for him.

“Good to have you back!” she said. “You leave a big hole when your presence isn’t here to fill it.”

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” he asked sounding uncertain. For some reason he hoped she would think it was only because of what she said, and not because of what he could feel through the Force.

“Yeah… It means I missed you.”

His cheeks turned a very light pink, and he couldn’t quite stop the smile that threatened to break across his face. What stopped him from full on smiling was the unease in the Force and how foolish he felt because he suspected it came from Rey.

“What are you feeling up to doing? Meditating? Sparring?”

He thought for a few moments and wondered what would make him feel most at ease for their training.

“Katas… You can choose spirit or combat, but I think that’s a good place to start.”

“But you don’t…”

Kylo actually chuckled at Rey’s confusion.

“Rey, I trained with Luke for years before Snoke succeeded in manipulating me into falling. I think if we try we can work our way through some. Maybe eventually I can teach you some of the Dark Katas, when you’re ready to withstand the pressure.”

“Pressure?”

“I guess pressure isn’t the right word. It was pressure for me, but… I’m talking about the pull to the Darkside. If you’re not ready to resist, it can be extremely… seductive.”

She nodded and appeared to become lost in thought.  She absentmindedly followed him over to the sparring mats, and she even managed to get into proper form for a Peace Kata. Kylo waited for her to take the lead, but after a couple minutes he realized her mind wasn’t present.

So he tried instead using some of the same mantras that they used while attempting the Force healing.

_Take a deep breath in… and relax out…_ He projected the words out through the Force in hopes of connecting with Rey that way. _Reach out to the Force, and let it guide you._ He repeated the words a few times over before he paused. _Rey?_

“Rey?” She didn’t respond. “Rey?... _Rey?_ REY!!”

She jumped and looked up at him startled. Kylo could feel the uncertainty rolling off her in waves mixing with a hesitant determination.

“Rey, what’s going on?” he asked, quite certain that he didn’t really want to know.

“There’s something I want to try… to learn from you.”

“Before we work through some katas?”

She swallowed hard and nodded.

“I think it’s very important. I would like to at least discuss it.”

Kylo sighed, but if Rey thought it was important enough to put off getting started on their training session then he would at least discuss it with her. (Even if he felt like they would be better served to ignore whatever she had to say and never speak of it again. He really didn’t like how much the Force wavered between them.)

Rey paced around in an agitated circle before stopping in front of him and apparently steeling herself for something. That did nothing to calm Kylo’s trepidation.

“I know you’re probably not going to like this,” she started looking warily determined up at Kylo. “But I want you to show me how to break into someone’s mind.”

He physically felt the blood start to drain from his head, and he took an unsteady step away from her. Of all the things he had expected to hear from her this was not it, but Kylo knew he shouldn’t be surprised by it. He’d been having what he now figured to be prophetic Force visions about what she would do with that power for days.

“What?”

“I need to be able to fight it, Kylo.”

“You can, Rey! You proved that when I tried to take the map from you!”

“But-”

“No!”

He took another terrified step back.

“But I need to learn!”

“Why that? Like I said you already proved you can resist because you resisted me! I can teach you any other Dark Force act you like! Why do you need to learn that?”

“Because I knew you… even though neither of us knew that then, we knew each other! I knew your Force signature and was able to block and defect! Them? The other Knights of Ren? How can I fight them, if I don’t know where their ability comes from?”

“NO! I will not!”

He turned and started to walk hurriedly away from her.

“Kylo, can’t you see?” She rushed after him, not wanting to give up easily. “It’s so important! You’re the only one I can really learn this from, that way I won’t ever have to worry from attacks on my mind!”

“WHAT ABOUT ME?”

He stopped and rounded on her. Rey blinked up at him, startled, but she firmly stood her ground.

“KYLO, YOU FOUGHT IT!”

“NO, REY! I DIDN’T! I NEVER COULD! SNOKE WAS SO DEEP IN MY MIND THAT HE EASILY TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!”

“But you eventually fought him! You killed him!”

“I had outside help! Hux… I only fought for him! I thought if I gave him everything he asked of me, I would finally be free!”

“But you fought, and if you found a way, then you can help me learn both how to attack people in this way and fight off attacks.”

“NO!” Once again he had lights shattering with the reverberations through the Force. Kylo turned away from her again. He lowered his head and his shoulders tensed. “FUCKING NO! I’M SORRY, BUT I WILL NEVER FUCKING TEACH YOU THAT!”

“But maybe we can work it out together!”

“NO, REY! NOW DROP IT!”

“Will you at least tell me why?”

“I… FUCK! DAMN IT! NO!” He turned back to her, wild and angry, ready to strike at her in any way he could, but trying his damnedest not to lose control. “DON’T YOU GET IT REY? I WON’T! NOT EVER! I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO LET ANYONE HAVE THAT KIND OF FUCKING POWER OVER ME EVER AGAIN! I...” Kylo took a deep breath and turned his back to her. “I can’t do this! It was a mistake coming back.”

Rey gasped and he looked back over his shoulder.

“Don’t you trust me?”

“No…” The shock turned to hurt and tears began to fill her eyes. “I… I need to leave before I lose it and Force choke you. Goodbye, Rey.”

This time when Kylo left the building he was able to return to his cell without being stopped.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a break through! An epiphany of sorts! I figured out how to end this series! I was super excited. 4 days later I saw the Last Jedi, and I had to make decisions. Should I continue the story as planned, or should I fix things to make the story canon compliant (at least the background story.) But, while I’m a huge fan of the movie, I honestly like The Stone Emperor and the Forsaken Knight as it is and as I have it planned in my head. So canon be damned! At least for this story. Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr @delisalicous if you want to come bug me :-)
> 
> And as always, Thanks for reading!!
> 
> I commission art for the series by @vaticansiant on tumblr. Technically it's for later (part 5/6), but I'm sharing it now. Just go here to see it: https://delisalicious.tumblr.com/post/159523462212/so-apparently-its-art-week-for-lisa-d-i


End file.
